I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
