I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
