Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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