just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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