i just had sex bonerless
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
