i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
