I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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