I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
