Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
