apparently the secret to your success is patron
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize