How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
