can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
