Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
