shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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