I can't breathe out the right side of my face
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
