I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
