trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Green mimosas i think yes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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