Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
