i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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