somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
