seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
