Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
