I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
