i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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