Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
