Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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