My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
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