well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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