Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
