Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
