if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
