Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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