I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
