How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
