If that was your dad, he is hot
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He better not be in your backpack
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
