But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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