I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
