guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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