Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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