I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
