i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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