He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
