Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
