he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
