Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
