Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
