What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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