if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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