My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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