so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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