So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I love you. Go after that dick
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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