I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
