you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
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So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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