I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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