so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
