hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
