im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
