period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Semen is not good for contacts.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
