So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
