1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
